Dear Isaac,

It’s been exactly 28 days, 16 hours, 45 minutes since you left.

I don’t quite know how you’re doing without me. Cos’ on my end, there’s a super huge void in this so-called life without you.

My dreams, my wishes, my ambitions, there all seem pointless now that you’re gone. Funny how they existed before you, but your leaving has proven that none matters more.

You became my dream, my only wish, you were gonna be my best friend. My best friend who stabbed my ribs with your tiny legs every few minutes.

You were so adorable when I finally laid my eyes on you. Amist the sky blue tissue, you laid there, in blue shoebox, cushioned by the big gooey mess of placenta you spent the last 5 months living in. So I hope that must have been comforting for you.

It’s sad you never got to see me. I wrapped your tiny little fingers on your left hand around my right index finger; just like you would have; had you been able to.

It’s sad you never got to feel it. I felt it. I felt your fingernails, they made my heart flutter. Gosh how formed you were.

You’re all I think about lately. Had you been alive, it’d be your 1st month party in 2 days. I remember planning for it. I wanted it to be huge. I wanted to show the world my little darling. I’d even chose the theme and colour scheme for your party.

Had you still been around, I’d be 6.5 months now. You probably wouldn’t fit in your blue shoebox anymore. We probably would have shopped alot for you by now. I wanted to buy you the prettiest white cot. Aunt would would thrown us a baby shower, with lots of prezzies too. Bummer.

I keep looking at your photo lately. Tonight I tried editing it, made it sharper, if only to see you clearer. You’re still frowning nonetheless. I guess I would have to; if my mom had killed me in the process if giving birth to me.You still look adorable though, adorable little frown, you look so much like your Daddy. Everyone says so.

I should think you hate me. For all the pain I’ve caused you. Though even in the deepest of my heart, I feel your love so strongly. Is that weird? Very often I wonder if I’m going mad.. how can I feel the love of someone I was never with? Except I was, for 22 whole weeks, I was with you. I felt your heartbeating alongside mine every moment.

You’re probably the only person I feel this such strong connection with. Perhaps it’s cos I’m your mommy, and you’re my baby. I don’t even feel worthy of addressing myself as your mommy, but again, I feel your love so much.

Which also makes me wonder, where do babies go when they die?

I wish I had carried you in my arms that morning, instead of just caressing you. My arms feel so empty without you. Many nights I sleep and dream of hugging you against me, but those dreams last less than a few seconds. I’d wake immediately to the cruel reminder that you’re gone. If I could only just hold you in my arms, against me, for a few seconds, even one second..

After you left, I cried saying I never wanted another baby. 2 weeks later, I yearned to have one. One to hold and love. Now four weeks later I understand what I felt then. I didn’t want another baby, I wanted you. I want you. If death would bring me to you, even for a fleeting second, I would happily go, just to hold you in my arms like every mother gets to hold their child.

I should probably step up, and move on. Except it’s too hard. Sometimes I feel I’ve moved on, but every few hours or so, reality would come screeching back.

Show me the way to you, least I cease to feel this painful emptiness within me.